Impassioned Life

Change Your Mind, Change Your Life!

2009-06-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

In Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow, Karen Casey writes, “We can have better lives if we make up our minds to do so. The choice is ours. Wherever we go, there we are, as the people we have decided to be. We decide. That’s the revelation. We decide if we are going to live lives that are bitter or sweet. We decide, in every moment, to respond from peace or from fear. We decide.” The wisdom that Karen Casey shares in this life-altering book is simple, yet powerful; intuitive, yet profound. If you decide to change your mind, your life will follow. What will you decide?

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Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow

Organized around 12 very simple steps, this books gives us the tools we need to find within ourselves the positive, peaceful response to every curve life throws us.

Excerpted from Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow

Most of us think that our lives are just too complex, too difficult, too unique to be bettered by simple changes. But it’s not true. We only choose to think it’s true so we don’t have to exert the effort to change. I am here to tell you, to promise you in fact, that simple, tiny changes made one minute at a time, one experience at a time, will positively change your life and every outcome of every experience, in powerful (though sometimes subtle) ways. I know that tiny changes work. My life today is a testament to that fact.

More than twenty-nine years ago I wandered into my first support group, an Al-Anon meeting in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I thought Al-Anon would teach me how to control someone’s drinking. I was also desperate to discover how to “fit in” everywhere. I came in absolutely convinced that if I could just change the people around me, I would be free from fear. But in that first meeting, I realized otherwise. Several times that night the group broke out in laughter over the idea that we can control or change other people’s behavior. Their laughter frightened me. When someone remarked that you can only change yourself and not anyone else – and everyone chuckled in agreement – I thought I had landed on Mars. These folks must not have had life experiences like mine, I figured or they wouldn’t be laughing. I was desperate to change the people around me. What other choice did I have?

Fortunately I stuck around long enough not only to understand their laughter but also to be able to laugh at my own obsession with controlling the uncontrollable. The fact is, we can’t change anyone but ourselves, and many of us die trying.

My life has changed dramatically since that spring evening so many years ago, when I heard, for the first time, that I could be in charge of only one thing: what I harbored in my mind and the actions that followed. For nearly thirty years I have practiced taking charge of my mind, and the results have been awesome. It’s my hope that this book will allow you to see how easy it really is, moment by moment, to take charge of the contents of your mind and, thus, to change your whole life. In over six decades, I have yet to meet a fellow traveler who didn’t want more peace, more joy, more contentment. Difficult bosses, troubled marriages, personal struggles with addiction, or worries about our children and the world we all share trouble us all. It is my hope that this book will give you every good reason to believe that, with a little willingness on your part, a willingness to change your mind, tomorrow really will be better than today.

Passion

2009-03-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

Passion

Happiness comes from following your passion. Excellence comes from work that you are passionate about. Knowing what to do is certainly important, but knowing why you do it fuels your motivation…your passion. A strong passion enables you to find a way to achieve your goals…any goal. Passion turns your stumbling blocks into stepping stones. Not only does passion ignite your pursuit of excellence, passion also makes the journey more fun!

It’s not enough to be busy. The question is, what are we busy about?
~Henry David Thoreau

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.
~Richard Bach

There is no passion to be found in playing small – in settling
for a life that is less than what you are capable of living.
~Nelson Mandela

What’s Your Passion? Quiz

2008-12-15T14:02:00.000-08:00

What’s Your Passion? Quiz

Are You Ready to Discover, Develop, and Live Your Passion?

Check the statements below that are true for you. Be completely honest.
If an item causes a strong reaction because you don't want it to be true, it's more than likely true for you.

____ I feel less than completely satisfied with my life.
____ I do not feel that I am doing my best or achieving the most I can.
____ I do not feel excited about my day-to-day activities.
____ I often feel stuck or unable to change my current situation.
____ I am not sure what I want to do with my life.
____ I don't remember or know what really excites me.
____ I wish I had more time to do the things that make me happy.
____ I often feel reluctant or uninspired when going about my daily routines.
____ I would like to pursue new or unexplored interests.
____ I am apathetic or uncertain about my future.

Scoring

Give yourself one point for each statement you marked true. Then read on to learn where you stand.

0-1 Congratulations! You are living your passion.

2-4 You are missing some opportunities to incorporate more passion into your life. Begin to identify significant passions that you are not experiencing and incorporate them into your life in big or small ways.

5-7 You are dissatisfied with the way things are going in your life. Develop specific actions for identifying and incorporating passion into your life.

8-10 You are suffering from severe passion deficit. Take immediate steps to identify your passion and solicit the support of your family and friends to help you incorporate it into your life now.

Why Shrinks Have Problems

2008-12-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

Why Shrinks Have Problems

Suicide, stress, divorce -- psychologists and other mental health professionals may actually be more screwed up than the rest of us. Psychologist Robert Epstein, Ph.D., surveys the emotional toll that practicing therapy takes on peoples' lives and explains how to protect yourself from impaired shrinks.

In 1899 Sigmund Freud got a new telephone number: 14362. He was 43 at the time, and he was profoundly disturbed by the digits in the new number. He believed they signified that he would die at age 61 (note the one and six surrounding the 43) or, at best, at age 62 (the last two digits in the number). He clung, painfully, to this bizarre belief for many years. Presumably he was forced to revise his estimate on his 63rd birthday, but he was haunted by other superstitions until the day he died -- by assisted suicide, no less -- at the ripe old age of 83.

That's just for starters. Freud also had frequent blackouts. He refused to quit smoking even after 30 operations to correct the extensive damage he suffered from cancer of the jaw. He was a self-proclaimed neurotic. He suffered from a mild form of agoraphobia. And, for a time, he had a serious cocaine problem.

Neuroses? Superstitions? Substance abuse? Blackouts? And suicide? So much for the father of psychoanalysis. But are these problems typical for psychologists? How are Freud's successors doing? Or, to put the question another way: Are shrinks really "crazy"?

I myself have been a psychologist for nearly two decades, primarily teaching and conducting research. So the truth is that I had some preconceptions about this topic before I began to investigate it. When, years ago, my mom told me that her one and only session with a psychotherapist had been disappointing because "the guy was obviously much crazier than I was," I assumed, or at least hoped, that she was joking. Mental health professionals have access to special tools and techniques to help themselves through the perils of living, right?

Sure, Freud was peculiar, and, yes, I'd heard that Jung had had a nervous breakdown. But I'd always assumed that -- rumors to the contrary notwithstanding; -- mental health professionals were probably fairly healthy.

Turns out I was wrong.

Doctor, Are You Feeling Okay?

Mental health professionals are, in general, a fairly crazy lot -- at least as troubled as the general population. This may sound depressing, but, as you'll see, having crazy shrinks around is not in itself a serious problem. In fact, some experts believe that therapists who have suffered in certain ways may be the very best therapists we have.

The problem is that mental health professionals -- particularly psychologists -- do a poor job of monitoring their own mental health problems and those of their colleagues. In fact, the main responsibility for spotting an impaired therapist seems to fall on the patient, who presumably has his or her own problems to deal with. That's just nuts.

Therapists struggling with marital problems, alcoholism, substance abuse, depression, and so on don't function very well as therapists, so we can't just ignore their distress. And ironically, with just a few exceptions, mental health professionals have access to relatively few resources when they most need assistance. The questions, then, are these: How can clients be protected -- and how can troubled therapists be helped?

The Thick Skinned

2008-12-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

The Thick Skinned

It's not all about you. How becoming less self critical can help boost your confidence.

Here's an important rule for life: It's not all about you. To develop a thick skin you must first remember that you are not the center of the universe. Yes, sorry to say, you are not the fixed point around which the universe turns.

Say someone isn't paying you enough attention. You brood and brood. "Is she mad at me?" "Did I say something wrong?" Your gloomy thoughts intensify, leaving you emotionally crippled and thinking that you have ruined everything.

Yet there may be a good reason for her inattention. Maybe she's having a rough week at work, and she has ten projects to complete by Friday. All of which are putting her in a foul mood. Or think about it in another way. Maybe she is behaving badly and being a jerk. But why are you fussing over it?

If this is how your mind works, you may indeed be overly thin skinned. And some rethinking is in order. You will need to learn a few skills and think outside yourself.

Here are a few tips to developing a thick skin:

Don't take things personally. Sometimes you may need to reframe a person's bad behavior by remembering that it's not about you.

Remember that everyone gets rejected sometimes. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. Don't be discouraged if it takes a few times to get it right. Successful people are rejected over and over, but never stop trying.

When you're rejected or something doesn't go your way, counterpropose a new solution. Often, the person declining your offer is not rejecting you. He may even want to hear another idea. Successful individuals come back from rejection with new proposals. They're creative at coming up with additional ways of looking at things and solving problems.

Don't be self-focused. If you do focus on yourself, you'll likely dwell on your shortcomings. Instead, think about your goals and what steps you need to get there.

Stop the self-talk. Counter self-defeating self-talk with truth talk: "You can be your own worst enemy, so give yourself a break."

Don't worry about looking stupid. If you are asked a question and you don't know the answer, you can simply say, "I need to think about that and get back to you later."

Don't be quick to blame. Recognize that other people have their ups and downs.

Think about others. Enter social interactions with this thought of making the experience itself enjoyable. Ask yourself, "What can I do to make you feel more comfortable."

Learn to be patient. Don't be impulsive or react to a situation without giving yourself time to cool off.

Don't hesitate to unstick sticky situations. If you're discussing an issue and the conversation is going off track, stop it and restart it on the right track. You could say: "This isn't going productively. Let's reshoot this scene from the beginning" or "Can we take it from the top?"

Don't let others get to you. Refuse to get overly responsive to the negative feelings and provocations of others. Adopt strategies that regulate emotional arousal; otherwise negativity hijacks the thinking brain. Try simple deep breathing or declare time out.

FIND YOUR PASSION IN LIFE

2008-12-01T07:38:00.000-08:00

Have you recently gone through some dramatic and transformative changes in your life? Whether these changes are related to your job, relationships, or spirituality, the shift has taken some getting used to and you need something positive to focus on. You enjoy a lot of different pastimes, but you really want to devote yourself to something you simply love doing. How do you find your passion? Perhaps just as important, how do you turn that passion into something meaningful and substantial in your life? Find out now...

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

A passion in life isn’t something you’re born with. It’s cultivated by your interests, what stimulates you and what you are genuinely excited about. But what if you want to pursue many avenues and just don’t know which one you’d be the most successful at or want to invest the most time in? Or what if nothing particularly lights the proverbial fire under your bottom, but you have a lot of energy that you could devote to something? Or maybe you’re stuck in a job you despise, but don’t know what other route to take that would truly be fulfilling.

Answer these Questions
Answering the following questions is a great exercise in deciding where your passion may lie and what direction to go in. Write down your answers and look for a common theme. Your passion might be so obvious that it jumps right off of the page.

* What do you love about yourself?

* What did you want to be when you were a child?

* If money were no object, what would you want to do?

* What do you daydream about or think about during downtime?

* How do others perceive you? * List five things you really enjoy doing and five things you’re really good at.

* Name one thing you’ve always dreamed about doing but never told anyone.

Look Around
Your passion could be right under your nose, but you just might not be in tune with it. Watch out for signs or for moments that inspire you or move you. It might come in the form of a movie, a human interest story from a newspaper or neighbor, or a great ending to a great book. Go through your closet or look through old photo albums. You may have simply “stored” away memories of any passions or inspirations you had as a child or before you were married, had children or started in the work force. Once you’re aware of everything around you, finding your passion might be easier than you originally thought.

Network
You know networking is a great tool to use in job hunting, but it’s also ideal to use to help find your passion and turn that passion into a productive endeavor. Let people in on your passion and dreams: They’ll become more of a reality the more you talk about them, and when an opportunity pops up that relates to that passion, they’ll let you know!

Female Models Have Negative Effect On Men

2008-11-19T09:27:00.000-08:00

Many studies have shown that media images of female models have had a negative impact on how woman view their own bodies, but does this same effect hold true when men view male models?

A leading researcher of media effects on body image at the University of Missouri looked at the effect of male magazines on college-age men. Completing three different studies, Jennifer Aubrey, assistant professor of communication in the College of Arts and Science, found that unlike their female classmates, it was not the same-sex models that affected the males negatively, but quite the opposite.

In her research, which will be published in Human Communication Research, Aubrey found that the cultural expectation for men is not that they have to be as attractive as their peers, but that they need to be attractive enough to be sexually appealing to women.

In her first study, Aubrey measured male exposure to 'lad' magazines, such as Maxim, FHM and Stuff, which she observes contains two main messages: the visual, which mostly contain sexually suggestive images of women; and textual, which contain articles that speak in a bawdy, male voice about topics including fashion, sex, technology and pop culture. Aubrey also measured male body self-consciousness (a participant's awareness and tendency to monitor one's appearance) and appearance anxiety (the anticipation of threatening stimuli). Participants were asked questions such as "During the day, I think about how I look," and then asked the same questions a year later.

"We found that reading lad magazines was related to having body self-consciousness a year later," said Aubrey. "This was surprising because if you look at the cover of these magazines, they are mainly images of women. We wondered why magazines that were dominated by sexual images of women were having an effect of men's feelings about their own bodies."

To help answer this question, Aubrey collaborated with University of California-Davis Assistant Professor Laramie Taylor. The researchers divided male study participants into three groups. Group one examined layouts from lad magazines that featured objectified women along with a brief description of their appearances. The second group viewed layouts about male fashion, featuring fit and well-dressed male models. The final group inspected appearance-neutral layouts that featured topics including technology and film trivia.

"Men who viewed the layouts of objectified females reported more body self-consciousness than the other two groups," Aubrey said. "Even more surprising was that the male fashion group reported the least amount of body self-consciousness among the three groups."

Aubrey speculated that the exposure to objectified females increased self-consciousness because men are reminded that in order to be sexually or romantically involved with a woman of similar attractiveness, they need to conform to strict appearance standards.

To test her theory, Aubrey and Taylor completed a third study that involved breaking men into two groups. Group one received lad magazine layouts of sexually idealized females and group two received the same layouts with average-looking 'boyfriends' added to the photos, with captions about how the female models are attracted to the average-looking men.

"We found that the men who view the ads with the average-looking boyfriend in the picture reported less body self-consciousness than the men who saw the ads with just the model," Aubrey said. "When the men felt that the model in the ad liked average-looking guys, it took the pressure off of them and made them less self-conscious about their own bodies."

If He Stops Wanting Sex, Something Is Wrong

2008-11-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

He’s Stressed Out:
“Feeling overwhelmed, tired, or stressed will lower a man’s sex drive,” explains Jay Carter, PsyD, author of Nasty Men. So if he has taken on extra work at his job or has family drama swirling around him, his brain may be too fried to even think about nooky.
What to do: Don’t reveal that you’ve noticed his stress level negatively affecting your sex life; if he has to think about your being unsatisfied on top of everything else, he’ll just get more anxious. “Be understanding, give him a neck rub, or play some calming music when he gets home,” suggests certified sex therapist Joy Davidson, PhD. Feeling more relaxed will allow him to think about getting it on again.

He's Pissed Off at You:
Contrary to popular belief, guys don’t always rant and rave when they’re angry. Sometimes they retaliate by quietly pulling away — which can mean withholding sex. “Anger is corrosive to intimacy,” Davidson points out.

What to do: Obviously, if you had a blowout before the deep freeze set in, you’ll know what’s going on. But sometimes you anger your man without even knowing it. For instance, did you let some dude buy you a drink at a bar — because, hey, free drink! — while your guy was off talking to other friends? When you make him feel bad in little ways, you need to repair the damage by stroking his ego. Flirt with him, compliment him, let him know that you need him in your life. There are few things that turn a guy on — or thaw his grumpy mood — as much as knowing that he’s desired.

He’s Freaked Out About Commitment:
Maybe you’ve been talking about moving in together or just discussing the future. Addressing issues like those can make even the most devoted boyfriend feel trepidation. “Men bond with you through sex,” Davidson explains. “So when your relationship is going through a decision-making period, he may withdraw sexually to give himself time to think things over.”

What to do: Postpone any commitment- heavy talks — pressing him on it will only make him freak out more. For good measure, make sure he’s within earshot the next time you casually mention to someone on the phone that you’re in no rush to get hitched. His mental alarms will stop going off long enough for him to realize that you’re the same cool chick he started dating in the first place, so it’s high time to get close again.

He’s Worried About His Sack Skills:
If your guy has had some trouble keeping his soldier standing at attention after a few too many cocktails or if he’s aware that you haven’t reached the big O during your last several sessions, his self-esteem could be suffering big time. “Sex is what makes a guy feel manly, so if he’s having difficulty keeping it up or thinks you aren’t enjoying yourself, he will feel emasculated and may stop even trying for fear of more failure,” Magids says.

What to do: You’ll know he’s having performance anxiety if he’s acting normal everywhere but in the bedroom. “Don’t tell him you’ve noticed he’s not the same in bed,” says Denver relationship therapist Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. Instead, casually mention something he does to you sexually that you’ve been craving. Being reassured that he satisfies you will boost both his ego and his libido.

He Wants to Break Up:
Harsh but true. Still, if a guy wants out, his behavior won’t switch overnight — he’ll begin by retreating emotionally before shutting down physically.

What to do: If you’ve eliminated the other possibilities, you need to call him out. “Most men don’t want to look like the bad guy, so if they plan on dumping you, they send signals — like denying sex — to force you to bring it up,” Magids says. Tell him you’ve noticed things have changed, and ask why he thinks that is. Before you raise the issue though, prepare for a possible breakup. Make plans with a pal for the day after you’re going to chat with your guy. No matter the outcome, it’ll be good to have someone to talk to.

3 Bogus Excuses: These seemingly plausible explanations are sometimes just BS.
1. "I have a big day at work tomorrow and need to rest." Climaxing actually clears his head and can help him sleep — meaning it allows him not to think about sex as much so he can focus on his work.

2. "Let’s wait till this weekend when we have more time." Few guys ration sex activity, and even fewer would turn down a quickie. So if he feigns concern for your sake, he might be being dishonest.

3. "Sorry, honey — my head is killing me." An upset stomach? Yes. But unless your guy suffers from debilitating migraines, it’s probably what it sounds like: a cliched opt out.

Emotional & Psychological Trauma - Causes, Symptoms, Effects, and Treatment

2008-11-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

What is emotional or psychological trauma?
The ability to recognize emotional trauma has changed radically over the course of history. Until rather recently psychological trauma was noted only in men after catastrophic wars. The women's movement in the sixties broadened the definition of emotional trauma to include physically and sexually abused women and children. Now because of the discoveries made in the nineties known as the decade of the brain, psychological trauma has further broadened its definition.

Recent research has revealed that emotional trauma can result from such common occurrences as an auto accident, the breakup of a significant relationship, a humiliating or deeply disappointing experience, the discovery of a life-threatening illness or disabling condition, or other similar situations. Traumatizing events can take a serious emotional toll on those involved, even if the event did not cause physical damage.

Regardless of its source, an emotional trauma contains three common elements:

it was unexpected;
the person was unprepared; and
there was nothing the person could do to prevent it from happening.

It is not the event that determines whether something is traumatic to someone, but the individual's experience of the event. And it is not predictable how a given person will react to a particular event. For someone who is used to being in control of emotions and events, it may be surprising – even embarrassing – to discover that something like an accident or job loss can be so debilitating.

What causes emotional or psychological trauma?
Our brains are structured into three main parts, long observed in autopsies:

the cortex (the outer surface, where higher thinking skills arise; includes the frontal cortex, the most recently evolved portion of the brain)
the limbic system (the center of the brain, where emotions evolve)
the brain stem (the reptilian brain that controls basic survival functions)

Because of the development of brain scan technology, scientists can now observe the brain in action, without waiting for an autopsy. These scans reveal that trauma actually changes the structure and function of the brain, at the point where the frontal cortex, the emotional brain and the survival brain converge. A significant finding is that brain scans of people with relationship or developmental problems, learning problems, and social problems related to emotional intelligence reveal similar structural and functional irregularities to those resulting from PTSD.

What is the difference between stress and emotional or psychological trauma?
One way to tell the difference between stress and emotional trauma is by looking at the outcome – how much residual effect an upsetting event is having on our lives, relationships, and overall functioning. Traumatic distress can be distinguished from routine stress by assessing the following:

how quickly upset is triggered
how frequently upset is triggered
how intensely threatening the source of upset is
how long upset lasts
how long it takes to calm down

If we can communicate our distress to people who care about us and can respond adequately, and if we return to a state of equilibrium following a stressful event, we are in the realm of stress. If we become frozen in a state of active emotional intensity, we are experiencing an emotional trauma – even though sometimes we may not be consciously aware of the level of distress we are experiencing.

Why can an event cause an emotionally traumatic response in one person and not in another?
There is no clear answer to this question, but it is likely that one or more of these factors are involved:

the severity of the event;
the individual's personal history (which may not even be recalled);
the larger meaning the event represents for the individual (which may not be immediately evident);
coping skills, values and beliefs held by the individual (some of which may have never been identified); and
the reactions and support from family, friends, and/or professionals.

Anyone can become traumatized. Even professionals who work with trauma, or other people close to a traumatized person, can develop symptoms of "vicarious" or "secondary" traumatization. Developing symptoms is never a sign of weakness. Symptoms should be taken seriously and steps should be taken to heal, just as one would take action to heal from a physical ailment. And just as with a physical condition, the amount of time or assistance needed to recover from emotional trauma will vary from one person to another.

What are the symptoms of emotional trauma?
There are common effects or conditions that may occur following a traumatic event. Sometimes these responses can be delayed, for months or even years after the event. Often, people do not even initially associate their symptoms with the precipitating trauma. The following are symptoms that may result from a more commonplace, unresolved trauma, especially if there were earlier, overwhelming life experiences:

Physical
Eating disturbances (more or less than usual)
Sleep disturbances (more or less than usual)
Sexual dysfunction
Low energy
Chronic, unexplained pain

Emotional
Depression, spontaneous crying, despair and hopelessness
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Fearfulness
Compulsive and obsessive behaviors
Feeling out of control
Irritability, angry and resentment
Emotional numbness
Withdrawal from normal routine and relationships

Cognitive
Memory lapses, especially about the trauma
Difficulty making decisions
Decreased ability to concentrate
Feeling distracted
The following additional symptoms of emotional trauma are commonly associated with a severe precipitating event, such as a natural disaster, exposure to war, rape, assault, violent crime, major car or airplane crashes, or child abuse. Extreme symptoms can also occur as a delayed reaction to the traumatic event.

Re-experiencing the Trauma
intrusive thoughts
flashbacks or nightmares
sudden floods of emotions or images related to the traumatic event

Emotional Numbing and Avoidance
amnesia
avoidance of situations that resemble the initial event
detachment
depression
guilt feelings
grief reactions
an altered sense of time

Increased Arousal
hyper-vigilance, jumpiness, an extreme sense of being "on guard"
overreactions, including sudden unprovoked anger
general anxiety
insomnia
obsessions with death

What are the possible effects of emotional trauma?
Even when unrecognized, emotional trauma can create lasting difficulties in an individual's life. One way to determine whether an emotional or psychological trauma has occurred, perhaps even early in life before language or conscious awareness were in place, is to look at the kinds of recurring problems one might be experiencing. These can serve as clues to an earlier situation that caused a dysregulation in the structure or function of the brain.

Common personal and behavioral effects of emotional trauma:

substance abuse
compulsive behavior patterns
self-destructive and impulsive behavior
uncontrollable reactive thoughts
inability to make healthy professional or lifestyle choices
dissociative symptoms ("splitting off" parts of the self)
feelings of ineffectiveness, shame, despair, hopelessness
feeling permanently damaged
a loss of previously sustained beliefs

Common effects of emotional trauma on interpersonal relationships:

inability to maintain close relationships or choose appropriate friends and mates
sexual problems
hostility
arguments with family members, employers or co-workers
social withdrawal
feeling constantly threatened

What if symptoms don't go away, or appear at a later time?
Over time, even without professional treatment, symptoms of an emotional trauma generally subside, and normal daily functioning gradually returns. However, even after time has passed, sometimes the symptoms don't go away. Or they may appear to be gone, but surface again in another stressful situation. When a person's daily life functioning or life choices continue to be affected, a post-traumatic stress disorder may be the problem, requiring professional assistance.

How is emotional trauma treated?
Traditional approaches to treating emotional trauma include:

talk therapies (working out the feelings associated with the trauma);
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) involves changing one's thoughts and actions, and includes systematic desensitization to reduce reactivity to a traumatic stressor
relaxation/stress reduction techniques, such as biofeedback or breathwork; and
hypnosis to deal with reactions often below the level of conscious awareness.

There are also several recent developments in the treatment to emotional trauma. Depending on the nature of the trauma and the age or state of development at which it occurred, these somatic (body) psychotherapies might even be more effective than traditional therapies. Some of the new therapies include:

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming)
Somatic Experiencing
Hakomi
Integrative Body Psychotherapy

What Makes Narcissists Tick

2008-11-03T14:49:00.000-08:00

They gotta have it all

, you see. Nobody ever taught them to share.

But treating you like you're nothing is just one of many ways they act out their fantasy

that they are so grand that you are dirt under their feet. So, look out. Delusions of grandeur are hard to maintain and are constantly challenged by reality.

For example, do you have a fine reputation? Look out, that threatens the narcissist's delusion that he is the greatest, so he'll have to fix that fine reputation of yours. Do you excel at something? Look out, that threatens the narcissist's delusion that he is the greatest, so he'll have to sabotage your work. Do you have an outstanding personal virtue? Look out, that threatens the narcissist's delusion that he is the greatest, so he'll have to drag your virtue through the mud, attributing it to himself while he portrays it in you as a vice.

Yes, Pathological Envy

is one of his middle names.

But treating others like nothing and destroying them aren't the only ways narcissists act out their fantasy and maintain their delusions of grandeur. Those delusions evaporate without constant reinforcement, so a malignant narcissist needs to prove he's God Almighty by trampling

someone about as frequently as most other predators need to make a kill.

It's just more of the same. So that the narcissist can think he seems grand, he must crush you like a bug underfoot. Therefore, if you are down and out, look out, you're going to get kicked. Can he get away with abusing you behind closed doors? Look out. And if you try to complain, you'll be sorry, because he'll have the whole world conned ahead of time into viewing you as the malicious one who's imagining things.

Yes, Diabolo is another one of his middle names.

Malignant narcissists are everywhere

- in politics, the arts, medicine, Hollywood, teaching, business, law enforcement, the clergy, and the assembly line. The smart ones make great climbers.

The typical brutal dictator, like Nero, Saddam Hussein, Josef Stalin, and Aloph Hitler, is or was a malignant narcissist. (They acted out how grand they were by trampling people by the millions.) But so is the typical street con artist, often described by law enforcement officials as the most sadistic of criminals in the art of mental cruelty. Pedophile priests are usually diagnosed as malignant narcissists. Serial bullies, serial adulterers, gold-diggers, love thieves. Character Assassin

is every narcissist's middle name. Rapists, child abusers, serial killers. In fact, all psychopaths are malignant narcissists, but whether all malignant narcissists are psychopaths is still being debated.

As you can see from that list, even those who cross the legal line into physical or sexual violence are getting their kicks mainly out of mental cruelty.

In short, malignant narcissists are predators who hunt easy prey to plunder them in one way or another, mainly for ego gratification. Because they have to feel greater than you, they are competing with you for every bit of it. Any you get, they view as rightly belonging to them. So, they gotta take it away.

Your self respect. Your good name. Your success.

This is the mentality that stands out so glaringly in the rapist: from the gutter, they gotta tear you down off that pedestal and treat you like dirt to prove they're better than you.

That ain't natural. It ain't natural to hate innocence. It ain't natural to attack people who are no threat to you and have done you no harm. It ain't natural to treat the other members of one's own species as prey. But psychopaths and malignant narcissists do.

Most of them get their jollies without leaving visible bite marks in their victims. Most never push the envelope of risk-taking to the point of violent crime. Instead they drive lovers, children, employees, schoolmates all the way to suicide through mental cruelty calculated to deliver sadistic emotional and psychological abuse. They cross the line into physical or sexual violence only when they think they can get away with it and when safer forms of treating people like dirt no longer deliver the high they are addicted to.

Whether by choice or not, psychopaths and malignant narcissists are able to do this because they have no human feeling whatsoever for anyone. Except themselves: they have very, very tender feelings for themselves. But none for anyone else, not even their own children. They view human beings as objects, tools, to exploit for their gratification

, to perfect that image of theirs that they are so obsessed with.

So, for example, if telling people that you beat your wife makes a malignant narcissist look better than you, he will do so without a second thought or pang of conscience. What's it to him if that damages you and makes a social outcast of you?

For, like a child of three, he doesn't relate to other people: he treats you like a screw driver there for him to use or abuse for his sake. He disregards the consequences to you, because he refuses to grow up and know that there is a thinking, feeling person inside other people and that they exist for their own sakes, not his. So your rights and feelings and welfare are no of consideration to him whatsoever. He'll break you just lightly as he'd stomp an ant.

Never forget that for a moment. Forgetting it is as dangerous as walking into a hungry tiger's cage forgetting that he is predator.

Narcissists and psychopaths

often try to hide this brutal inhumanity and total lack of empathy by mimicking human emotions, often melodramatically. They are extremely sneaky and manipulative, mainly because they've been practicing these arts nonstop from about the age of six.

Unless they are so powerful they needn't hide what they are, they go to great lengths to portray themselves as the very opposite of what they are. They are pathological liars who tell bizarre lies. They often react to things in a bizarre way that makes you pinch yourself. Yet despite these warning signs that there is something wrong with them, and despite the mental maturity level of a little child before the Age of Reason, they almost always pass for normal.

One-to-three in every 20 people you meet are malignant narcissists. If they sucker you into getting too close and then rip your guts out, it isn't because of anything you did or anything about you they don't like: it's just because you were there and vulnerable (unable to defend yourself).

This doesn't have to happen. We have only to face the fact that people like this are out there and follow our instincts, paying heed to the warning signs of bad faith

, using common sense in deciding whom to trust and believe. For, the good news about predators is that when they see you're suspicious, they head off in search of easy prey - you know, that sucker they say is born every minute.

Different Types of Parent-Child Relationships

2008-10-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

The following is wonderfully informative insight into understanding the different kinds of parent - child relationships. I can see the relationship I have with my own parents clearly in this report. As I'm sure many of you will also.

There are different kinds of attachment relationships that can be put into different categories. These categories can describe children’s relationships with both parents and childcare providers. Research has found that there are at least four attachment categories. The categories describe the ways that children act and the ways that adults act with the children. The strongest kind of attachment is called secure The way a parent or provider responds a child may lead to one of the four types of attachment categories. The way a child is attached to her parents also affects how she will behave around others when her parent is not around.

1. *Secure relationships. This is the strongest type of attachment. A child in this category feels he can depend on his parent or provider. He knows that person will be there when he needs support. He knows what to expect.

• The secure child usually plays well with other children his age.
• He may cry when his mother leaves. He will usually settle down if a friendly adult is there to comfort him.
• When parents pick him up from childcare, he is usually very happy to see them.
• He may have a hard time leaving childcare, though. This can be confusing if the child was upset when the
parents left at the beginning of the day. It does not mean that the child is not happy to see the parents.

How do adults build secure attachment relationships?

• Adults are consistent when they respond to the child’s needs.
• When a child cries, the adult responds in a lovingly or caring way.
• When a child is hungry, the adult feeds her fairly soon.
• When a child is afraid, the adult is there to take care of her.
• When the child is excited about something, the adults are excited about it, too.

Over time, a securely attached child has learned that he can rely on special adults to be there for him. He knows that, if he ever needs something, someone will be there to help. A child who believes this can then learn other things. He will use special adults as a secure base. He will smile at the adult and come to her to get a hug. Then he will move out and explore his world.

2. **Avoidant relationships. This is one category of attachment that is not secure. Avoidant children have learned that depending on parents won’t get them that secure feeling they want, so they learn to take care of themselves.

• Avoidant children may seem too independent.
• They do not often ask for help, but they get frustrated easily.
• They may have difficulty playing with other children their age. They may be aggressive at times.
• Biting, hitting, pushing, and screaming are common for many children, but avoidant children do those things
more than other children.
• Avoidant children usually do not build strong relationships with providers in their childcare setting.
• They don’t complain when the parents leave them, and they usually do not greet them when the parents
return. They know that the parents have returned, but it is almost like they want to punish them by
ignoring them.
• They seem to try to care for themselves.

What kind of parent behavior is linked to this category of attachment?

• Parents respond to their children’s needs, but it usually takes a while.
• When a child is hungry, the child will be fed, but probably after she’s been waiting for a long time.
• When a child is frightened, she is usually left to deal with it on her own.
• When a child is excited about something, the parent may turn away or ignore her.
• The child gets used to not having her needs met, so she learns to take care of herself.

There are different reasons why parents might act this way. Some parents just don’t know when their baby or child needs something. Other parents might think that it will make their child more independent if the parents do not give in to the child. Providers who have an avoidant child in their care may be able to help parents recognize and understand their children’s needs.

3. **Ambivalent relationships. Ambivalence (not being completely sure of something) is another way a child may be insecurely attached to his parents. Children who are ambivalent have learned that sometimes their needs are met, and sometimes they are not. They notice what behavior got their parents’ attention in the past and use it over and over. They are always looking for that feeling of security that they sometimes get.

• Ambivalent children are often very clingy.
• They tend to act younger than they really are and may seem over-emotional.
• When older preschoolers or early-elementary children want an adult’s attention, they might use baby talk
or act like a baby.
• Ambivalent children often cry, get frustrated easily, and love to be the center of attention.
• They get upset if people aren’t paying attention to them and have a hard time doing things on their own.
• Ambivalent children seem to latch onto everyone for short periods of time.
• They have a very hard time letting parents go at the beginning of the day, and the crying may last a long time.

What kind of parent behavior is linked to this category of attachment?

• When an infant is crying, these parents sometimes respond; sometimes they don’t.
• When a child is hungry, she might be fed, but it is more likely that she will be fed when she’s not hungry.
• When a child is frightened, she is ignored sometimes and overly comforted at other times.
• When a child is excited about something, a parent doesn’t understand the child’s excitement or responds
to her in a way that does not fit.

4. **Disorganized relationships. Disorganized children don’t know what to expect from their parents. Children with relationships in the other categories have organized attachments. This means that they have all learned ways to get what they need, even if it is not the best way. This happens because a child learns to predict how his parent will react, whether it is positive or negative. They also learn that doing certain things will make their parents do certain things.

• Disorganized children will do things that seem to make no sense.
• Sometimes these children will speak really fast and will be hard to understand.
• Very young children might freeze in their footsteps for no apparent reason.
• Most disorganized children have a hard time understanding the feelings of other children.
• Disorganized children who are playing with dolls might act out scenes that are confusing and scary.
• Disorganized children may be very hard to understand. They may seem very different from day to day.

There are two types of disorganized attachments:

1) Controlling-Disorganized, children who are controlling tend to be extremely bossy with their friends.
2) Care giving-Disorganized, children who are care giving might treat other children in a childish way,
acting like a parent.

What kind of parent behavior is linked to this category of attachment?

• The parents rarely respond to their needs when they are infants.
• If the parent does respond, the response usually does not fit.
• It is common for disorganized children to come from families in which some form of neglect or maltreatment
is happening.
• It is also possible that these children may have one or more parents suffering from depression.

*Note about different cultures: Parents and other caregivers show love in different ways in different cultures. In any culture, though, children can have good relationships with parents and providers. In all cultures, adults can build secure attachments if they are sensitive and respond to children’s signals. They way they respond will be very different from one culture to another, however. Providers who work with children from different cultures should watch for differences. Ask parents and other people from that culture how they care for children.

**Note: It is important to understand the family’s culture when you are observing attachment. A secure attachment in one culture may look like an insecure attachment in another culture.

Authors: Lynette C. Magaña with Judith A. Myers-Walls and Dee Love

APA Press Release: SEXISM PAYS: STUDY FINDS MEN WHO HOLD TRADITIONAL VIEWS OF WOMEN EARN MORE THAN MEN WHO DON'T

2008-10-24T14:47:00.001-07:00

Women With Egalitarian Views Don't Earn Much More than Those With Traditional Outlooks, Researchers Conclude

WASHINGTON—When it comes to sex roles in society, what you think may affect what you earn. A new study has found that men who believe in traditional roles for women earn more money than men who don't, and women with more egalitarian views don't make much more than women with a more traditional outlook.

Timothy Judge, PhD, and Beth Livingston from the University of Florida, analyzed data from a nationally representative study of men and women who were interviewed four times between 1979 and 2005. A total of 12,686 people, ages 14 to 22 at the beginning of the study, participated; there was a 60 percent retention rate over the course of the study. Results were published in the September issue of the Journal of Applied Psychology, published by the American Psychological Association.

At each of the four interviews, participants were asked about their views on gender roles in the work force and at home. They answered questions such as whether they believed a woman's place is in the home, whether employing wives leads to more juvenile delinquency, if a man should be the achiever outside the home and if the woman should take care of the home and family. Participants were also asked about their earnings, religious upbringing, education, whether they worked outside the home and their marital status, in addition to other topics. Prior studies have shown that men tend to hold more traditional gender roles than do women, though this gap has narrowed over time.

The researchers looked specifically at gender role views as a predictor of a person's earnings. They controlled for job complexity, number of hours worked and education. Their analyses showed that men in the study who said they had more traditional gender role attitudes made an average of about $8,500 more annually than those who had less traditional attitudes.

"More traditional people may be seeking to preserve the historical separation of work and domestic roles. Our results prove that is, in fact, the case," Judge said. "This is happening even in today's work force where men and women are supposedly equal as far as participation."

For women, however, the situation was reversed. Women who held more traditional views about gender roles made an average of $1,500 less annually than the women with more egalitarian views. Put another way, if a married couple holds traditional gender role attitudes, the husband's earning advantage was predicted to be eight times greater than a married couple where the husband and wife have more egalitarian attitudes.

"These results show that changes in gender role attitudes have substantial effects on pay equity," Judge said. "When workers' attitudes become more traditional, women's earnings relative to men suffer greatly. When attitudes become more egalitarian, the pay gap nearly disappears."

Notably, the results also did not fundamentally change when other factors were controlled, such as industry, occupation, hours worked, and number of children. "These results cannot be explained by the fact that, in traditional couples, women are less likely to work outside the home," Judge said. "Though this plays some role in our findings, our results suggest that even if you control for time worked and labor force participation, traditional women are paid less than traditional men for comparable work."

The researchers also sought to understand why some people hold more traditional or less traditional perceptions of gender roles. Some associations they found were:

People living in Northeastern cities had less traditional views regarding gender roles

People whose parents both worked outside the home had less traditional views regarding gender roles

Married, religious people tended to have more traditional gender role views

Younger people had less traditional views but became more traditional over time

The authors offered suggestions for future research, including investigating the relationship between happiness and job attitudes among people with specific gender role views arguing that more money and happiness doesn't necessarily always go together for some people.

The researchers believe their results show that the gender pay gap is not just an economic phenomenon. "Psychology has an important role to play, too," said Judge. "Our country's policies have been leaning toward gender equality for decades now. But, according to our study, traditional gender role views continue to work against this goal."

Men: A Different Depression

2008-10-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

Psychologists try to help men get help, open up

Research Shows That...

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), about six million American men suffer from depression every year. Yet psychologists know that men are far less likely than women to seek help not only for all mental-health problems, but depression in particular.

According to the NIMH public-information campaign, “Real Men. Real Depression.,” which began in 2003, men may be unlikely to admit to depressive symptoms and seek help.

Researchers and clinicians are coming to think that the traditional signs of depression (sadness, worthlessness, excessive guilt) may not represent many men's experience of a depressive period. Although research is just beginning to support the idea of a “male-based depression,” it is possible that men may instead express their depression in terms of increases in fatigue, irritability and anger (sometimes abusive in nature), loss of interest in work or hobbies, and sleep disturbances. It has also been shown that men use more drugs and alcohol, perhaps to self-medicate; this can mask the signs of depression, making it harder to detect and treat effectively.

Psychologists also are investigating whether men who are depressed try to hide it with overwork; others expose themselves to harm via risky behavior. Untreated depression can result in personal, family and financial problems, even suicide. According to NIMH, four times as many men as women die by suicide in the United States, which may result from a higher prevalence of untreated depression. Yet eight out of 10 cases of depression respond to treatment.

Psychologist Aaron Rochlen, PhD, of the University of Texas, says that research shows that the men who need mental-health services most are the least interested in getting help. He has begun research into alternative methods of marketing and providing counseling to more counseling-resistant populations. In addition, Rochlen and his colleagues have been documenting how the traditional male role – which restricts emotional expression and encourages a pre-occupation with success, power and competition – is associated with negative physical and psychological consequences, such as depression, anxiety and relationship problems.

APA President Ronald Levant, EdD, dean of Buchtel College of Arts and Sciences at the University of Akron as of Fall 2005, has coined the term “normative male alexithymia” to describe men's greater problems with expressing their emotions, a possible contributor to depression and barrier to treatment.

According to NIMH, doctors may also overlook the signs of depression in older men. It can be especially hard to single out depression when men have other problems such as heart disease, stroke, or cancer, which can cause depressive symptoms, or whose medications may have depressive side effects. Yet it is critical to identify depression among the elderly because they, especially older white males, have the highest rates of suicide. Researchers are trying to help physicians to detect and treat depression in older adults, who respond well to treatment medication, psychotherapy, or a combination of both.

American Psychological Association, July 14, 2005

Men and Women Really Do Think Differently

2008-10-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

Men and women do think differently, at least where the anatomy of the brain is concerned, according to a new study.

The brain is made primarily of two different types of tissue, called gray matter and white matter. This new research reveals that men think more with their gray matter, and women think more with white. Researchers stressed that just because the two sexes think differently, this does not affect intellectual performance.

Psychology professor Richard Haier of the University of California, Irvine led the research along with colleagues from the University of New Mexico. Their findings show that in general, men have nearly 6.5 times the amount of gray matter related to general intelligence compared with women, whereas women have nearly 10 times the amount of white matter related to intelligence compared to men.

"These findings suggest that human evolution has created two different types of brains designed for equally intelligent behavior," said Haier, adding that, "by pinpointing these gender-based intelligence areas, the study has the potential to aid research on dementia and other cognitive-impairment diseases in the brain."

The results are detailed in the online version of the journal NeuroImage.

In human brains, gray matter represents information processing centers, whereas white matter works to network these processing centers.

The results from this study may help explain why men and women excel at different types of tasks, said co-author and neuropsychologist Rex Jung of the University of New Mexico. For example, men tend to do better with tasks requiring more localized processing, such as mathematics, Jung said, while women are better at integrating and assimilating information from distributed gray-matter regions of the brain, which aids language skills.

Scientists find it very interesting that while men and women use two very different activity centers and neurological pathways, men and women perform equally well on broad measures of cognitive ability, such as intelligence tests.

This research also gives insight to why different types of head injuries are more disastrous to one sex or the other. For example, in women 84 percent of gray matter regions and 86 percent of white matter regions involved in intellectual performance were located in the frontal lobes, whereas the percentages of these regions in a man's frontal lobes are 45 percent and zero, respectively. This matches up well with clinical data that shows frontal lobe damage in women to be much more destructive than the same type of damage in men.

Both Haier and Jung hope that this research will someday help doctors diagnose brain disorders in men and women earlier, as well as provide help designing more effective and precise treatments for brain damage.

By Bjorn Carey, LiveScience Staff Writer

posted: 20 January 2005 02:12 pm ET

Men And Women Are Programmed Differently When It Comes To Temptation

2008-10-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

Temptation may be everywhere, but it's how the different sexes react to flirtation that determines the effect it will have on their relationships. In a new study, psychologists determined men tend to look at their partners in a more negative light after meeting a single, attractive woman. On the other hand, women are likelier to work to strengthen their current relationships after meeting an available, attractive man.

Men may not see their flirtations with an attractive woman as threatening to the relationship while women do. Researchers found that women protect their relationship more when an attractive man enters the picture but men look more negatively at their partner after they've met an available, attractive woman. Men can learn to resist temptation when trained to think that flirting with an attractive woman could destroy their relationship, said lead author John E. Lydon, PhD, of McGill University in Montreal.

Researchers conducted seven laboratory experiments using 724 heterosexual men and women to see how college-aged men and women in serious relationships react when another attractive person enters the mix.

In one study, 71 unsuspecting male participants were individually introduced to an attractive woman. Roughly half the men met a "single" woman who flirted with them. The other half met an "unavailable" woman, who simply ignored them.

Immediately after this interaction, the men filled out a questionnaire in which they were asked how they would react if their "romantic partner" had done something that irritated them, such as lying about the reason for canceling a date or revealing an embarrassing tidbit about them. Men who met the attractive "available" woman were 12 percent less likely to forgive their significant others. In contrast, 58 women were put in a similar situation. These women, who met an "available" good-looking man, were 17.5 percent more likely to forgive their partners' bad behavior.

"One interpretation of these studies is that men are unable to ward off temptation. We do not subscribe to this. Instead, we believe men simply interpret these interactions differently than women do," said Lydon. "We think that if men believed an attractive, available woman was a threat to their relationship, they might try to protect that relationship."

Using virtual reality scenarios in the last experiment, the researchers wanted to see if 40 men could learn not to flirt when mingling with attractive women if they formed a plan or strategy beforehand. The researchers prompted half the male subjects in this experiment to visualize being approached by an attractive woman. They were then instructed to write down a strategy to protect their relationship. These men were more likely to distance themselves from an attractive woman in the subsequent virtual reality scenarios.

Lydon says women, on the other hand, don't need to be trained to withhold any reactions when approached by attractive men. "Women have been socialized to be wary of the advances of attractive men," says Lydon. "These findings show that even if a man is committed to his relationship, he may still need to formulate strategies to protect his relationship by avoiding that available, attractive woman. The success rate of such strategies may not be 100 percent but it is likely to be significantly higher than if the man was not made aware of the specific consequences of his actions."

Science Daily (July 15, 2008) —

Can Men and Women Really Be Just Friends?

2008-10-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Relationship experts have said. "The belief that men and women can't be friends comes from another era in which women were at home and men were in the workplace, and the only way they could get together was for romance," explained Linda Sapadin, a psychologist in Valley Stream, New York. "Now they work together and share sports interests and socialize together." This cultural shift has encouraged psychologists, sociologists and communications experts to put forth a new message: Though it may be tricky, men and women can successfully become close friends. What's more, there are good reasons for them to do so.

Society has long singled out romance as the prototypical male-female relationship because it spawns babies and keeps the life cycle going; cross-sex friendship, as researchers call it, has been either ignored or trivialized. We have rules for how to act in romantic relationships (flirt, date, get married, have kids) and even same-sex friendships (boys relate by doing activities together, girls by talking and sharing). But there are so few platonic male-female friendships on display that we're at a loss to even define these relationships.

Part of this confusion stems from the media. A certain classic film starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal convinced a nation of moviegoers that sex always comes between men and women, making true friendship impossible. "When Harry Met Sally set the potential for male-female friendship back about 25 years," said Michael Monsour, assistant professor of communications at the University of Colorado at Denver and author of Women and Men as Friends. Television hasn't helped either. "Almost every time you see a male-female friendship, it winds up turning into romance," Monsour noted. Think Sam and Diane or Chandler and Monica. These cultural images are hard to overcome, he said. It's no wonder we expect that men and women are always on the road to romance.

But that's only one of the major barriers. Don O'Meara, Ph.D., at the University of Cincinnati-Raymond Walters College, published a landmark study in the journal Sex Roles on the top impediments to cross-sex friendship. "I started my research because one of my best friends is a woman," said O'Meara. "She said, 'Do you think anyone else has the incredible friendship we do?'" He decided to find out, and after reviewing the scant existing research, O'Meara identified the following challenges to male-female friendship: defining it, dealing with sexual attraction, seeing each other as equals, facing people's responses to the relationship and meeting in the first place.

Psychology Today Magazine, Sep/Oct 2001

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